Wednesday, April 16, 2014
Is someone actually reading this? Cool. The following “Dear Lord” journal entries, recently unearthed during a move from the Garden State back to the Sunshine State, motivated me to update ellepop. WARNING: The letters are raw, as in you will find punctuation, grammar, and general writing errors—because they are first and only drafts. My purpose for posting my emotional guts and foibles to strangers is to find out: Do you identify?
Wednesday, November 24, 2009
I don’t even know where to begin. I’m so scared, unmotivated, and overwhelmed. There is so much I should do with my life—this life you gave me. I’m wasting time—and I have a lot of it. I know this down time is part of your plan for me, but I just feel so ungrateful. I also realize that I have free will, that is, what I choose to do with my time.
While I so want to commit to something, whether it’s the gym, OA meetings, DBSA meetings, Habitat for Humanity, or Big Brothers Big Sisters, I know my history. I am inconsistent and unreliable. I can’t even rely on myself.
Oh my goodness! I failed to include church in my list of would-be commitments. What is wrong with me? Maybe that’s what’s wrong me, that I’m not truly putting You first. This just came to me (from You?): Is my laziness these days a way for you to show that the oft-used but Biblically unfounded axiom “God helps those who help themselves” to be inaccurate?
What do I say I want? First, I do not want to be embarrassed by my life. I want to be able to take pride in it. Do You not want me to have any pride at all? I’m certain You want me to be productive, though, at least regarding the building of relationships. I know that relationships are the most important thing to You, and I thank You for that. I just do not have it in me to care. I consider doing something, anything, and then I ask myself, ‘Why bother’? It’s like when I was in 8th grade, where my motto was, “Who cares? Blow me away with a shotgun!”. How scary and telling, eh? That was a sure-fire sign of my bipolar illness.
By the way, I am making myself write now. I’d rather be eating bread and watching some meaningless sitcom. I do not want to write because I feel so much pressure to create something worthy, something that would impress others and me. Maybe that is why I choose not to live my life. Maybe I’m concerned about doing everything the right way, including going to church. Hmm…maybe not. What really stops me from starting my day is getting showered and finding something comfortable and appropriate to wear. Of course, if I’d commit to exercising and eating healthfully on a regular basis, I would revel in starting my days. I’d enjoy celebrating my femininity and how cute I am. I know that I’m “fearfully and wonderfully made,” yet I fail to act on this so-called belief of mine.
What is it I say I want for my life? I want to commit to the following: attending church services, Overeaters Anonymous meetings, Depression and Bipolar Support Alliance, and the gym. Specifically BodyPump, Athletic Conditioning, BodyJam, BodyFlow, and BodyCombat classes. I want to volunteer for Habitat for Humanity once or twice a month and for Big Brothers Big Sisters maybe 4x a month. Maybe at some point I can become a sponsor and support person for OA and DBSA, respectively. Service, service, service! That’s what it’s all about!
As for eating, I’d like my diet to look like this: egg beaters or whites with chopped tomatoes and/or red peppers with an orange and green tea for breakfast—and maybe a skim tall vanilla latte two times a week. My snack would be a piece of fruit—banana, apple, or pear. For lunch I’d have a salad (romaine lettuce, tomatoes, broccoli, roasted red peppers, light dressing) with an ounce or two of grilled chicken. My snack would be a an activia strawberry fruit yogurt. And for dinner, I’d have either salmon or tilapia with either broccoli or green beans and maybe a small side salad. That would be Monday through Friday afternoon. Then, from Friday at 6 p.m. up til Sunday at 6 p.m., I could eat whatever I want. However, I’d not overeat. I want to cease overeating, but I know I cannot do that without You, Lord. I believe the very first thing I need to do is commit to getting my day started by taking a shower first thing in the morning. Breakfast and meds would follow that. Then I’d go to work, then the gym or a meeting, come home, and prep for the next day and/or straighten my home.
How do I make all this happen? First, by putting YOU first, that is, praying and studying Your Word. Second, planning. I must create a night-time routine, which must include preparing my clothes. Heck, I could even prepare my clothes for the week on Sundays or just a few days at a time. I’d also have to prep my meals. I’d have to wake up early enough to have breakfast at home. (No more eating and driving or eating at my desk!)
I must plan my work and work my plan! But, as I said, You must be paramount in my life. Oh my goodness! Here I go again, forgetting You! My morning routine would be to awake, read Your Word, then go on with my day. At night, I’d study Your Word at bedtime.
I’m shocked at myself at how much I want to be on a schedule! I never thought I’d dislike this free time. I need to be more like some of my family and friends, but not exactly, of course. I think a lot of my problem too is that the fear is gone. I’m no longer afraid of getting fat. I’m no longer afraid of not paying my bills (sort of). I know You’ve got me covered. But at the same time, I know You want me to be relationally productive at the very least. I need to get myself out there! But I just cannot do it without You, Lord.
That’s all for now.
Love, because You first loved me,
Friday, November 27, 2009
Something is definitely different today, Lord, and I have to attribute it to You. All this food around, and I don’t want to eat it. The bread is actually safe from me for once! I have no idea what the next 24 hours are going to bring, I don’t know if I’ll binge again, if I’ll have no desire to do anything, but at least today is a victory. Heck, every day is a victory with You, Lord. Today was an easy battle to win, as if I almost didn’t have to participate in the fight. Oh, I also did not take my meds today. I know I really should, and I do not plan on skipping them again (I never actually do plan on skipping them). The point is that You are the Constant. Roommates, jobs, states, meds—they’ve all changed in my life and have not heeded the same results. There is no formula for my life. I have no routine to keep me routine. “Be still and know that I am God; I will be exalted among the nations, I will be exalted in the earth.”” –Psalm 46:10
I cannot inspire myself, Lord. Only You can inspire. I know You have plans for my life, and they certainly do not begin and end with me eating, watching TV, and sleeping. I gave You my life a long time ago, and I am trusting You with it.
I feel so even-keeled right now, not on a manic crazed quest to write my life’s work. I feel hopeful in a very grounded way.
So maybe this time of a whole lot of nothingness is an object lesson to all those looking in, all those who are skeptical, that You’re not only available to those who are getting themselves out of bed every morning, available only to those who have schedules and routines that they adhere to consistently. You are available to all who call on You, to all those who believe in their hearts and confess with their mouths that Jesus Christ is Lord, that Your Son hung on a cross and died for our sins so that we may live eternally with You in heaven and not burn eternally in hell with the enemy.
You are available to sinners who long to change but cannot change themselves. No one can change themselves. Only You can change us, Lord. You are the Creator; we are the creations. May all who are observing my walk with You in any capacity see that all the good in my life is directly from You. All the “bad”? That’s You allowing my character to grow, You are making me more like Your Son.
Jobless, unmotivated, overweight, alive but not living—they can see it, Lord. They can see it because I know there is so much more to my story, and my story does not only affect me. None of us lives in a vacuum. We all affect one another. And I thank you for that, Lord.
My writing in these past two entries doesn’t sound very inspired, I know. But I don’t need to impress anyone, Lord—not You, not me, not anyone. You didn’t put us on this earth with each other to impress one another. You put us all here together to love one another, particularly through service. How would my losing weight serve another? How would my getting a well-paying and fulfilling job serve others? What about if I consistently attended church, support group, Greek class, and workout classes? THAT’S what I need to focus on and figure out.
Lord, my only prayer right now is that You make me consistent for Your purposes.
Thank You, Heavenly Father.
love, b/c u 1st loved me, lori 🙂
Saturday, November 28, 2009
Well, I’m going to shower and go to the gym now for two classes: BodyPump and BodyCombat. Umm…maybe I should just do BodyCombat, now that I think of it. Anyway, I’ll take my meds in a few minutes before I shower. After class, I’ll reward myself with a chai. Yummy!
Sunday, November 29, 2009
Did not go to either class. That’s okay. I still love me. Well, I’m trying to love me—but not be in love with me. 🙂 God is sooooooooooo GOOD!